Tales of a Skinny Girl

Happy in my own skin.

Skinny. Fat. Healthy. Strong. Obese. Chubby. Thin. Fit. Plump. Scrawny. Anorexic.

Strong words. Fighting words. Dangerous even.

I’ve thought about writing on this topic for a while now, but every time I begin to brainstorm something scares me away. Mostly, it’s the fear of being judged. Also, it’s the fear of offending. Weight and health is such a sensitive issue, and it’s frightening to share my opinions with the world, but after last night I finally feel motivated enough to jump in and cast fear to the side.

I am not a doctor, psychologist, nutritionist, or personal trainer so obviously nothing I say here is a FACT, so please do not get upset if say something wrong, I do not intend to offend.

I am very fortunate in that I come from a family of thin people. I am naturally thin, and growing up I could eat whatever the hell I wanted and still get called “a beanpole”, “skinny as rail”, “anorexic”, and constantly heard “that girl needs to eat something”, “put some meat on those bones”, and “just wait until you hit puberty, you won’t always be able to eat like that!”.

As a child, I became really insecure about being too skinny. All my friends constantly pointed out my boney frame, and boys certainly paid no attention to my flat chest and tiny body. In middle school I decided to gain weight. I ate like a beast. Bacon, cheeseburgers, nachos, hotdogs, fries, and chips were all a big part of my diet. I would even eat a large snack after school, dinner at my best friend’s house, dinner at my own house, and dessert.

I never gained an ounce.

In high school, I completely did a 180. I began obsessing over models, celebrities, and fitness magazines. I thought if I couldn’t be curvy, I’d be toned. This became an obsession, and not a healthy one.

I was young and stupid, but this was a typical day and diet for me during my junior year in high school:

Breakfast: a half cup of Special K (measured out) no milk, 16oz of water, coffee

10am: half of a granola bar, 16oz of water

Lunch: an orange, a few nuts, and maybe a whole-wheat roll. If I was feeling extra heavy, or an event was coming up (like prom), I would just eat an orange, 16oz of water

2pm: other half of granola bar, 16 oz of water

3pm: dance team practice, water

4-6pm: dance classes at studio, more water

6-9pm: work at grocery store, REALLY have to pee

Dinner: 1 cup of salad with less than a tablespoon of vinaigrette dressing…force feed self another bottle of water

9pm: homework and study, hate water

11pm: 100 crunches, and 50 push-ups, one more glass of water and one more bathroom break

By the time spring came, I was VERY thin, and people began to notice. Mostly I received lots of compliments on how skinny I looked, and how I’m so lucky. I liked the way I looked, and I loved the jealousy over my skinny frame.

But, I hated how I felt. Everything I put in my mouth made me feel guilty. I weighed myself constantly. I was exhausted and unhappy, yet thrilled when a size zero was too big. Gaining half a pound was the end of the world. Worst of all, I became very judgmental of people heavier than me. (Although, secretly jealous of the curvier girls who were happy…why can’t I be happy with how I look???) Typing this now makes me sick…

Miraculously, I was able to wise up in college. I had become so obsessed with being fit that eventually all the fitness books and magazines I was reading made me realize that starving myself was really unhealthy and stupid…two things I refused to be.

My family may be “thin” but they are not healthy. Heart disease runs very high in my family, and soon my obsession to be skinny, became an obsession with working out and eating healthy. No need to go into detail here, except to say that after getting rid of a boyfriend who was really bad for myself self-esteem, confiding in my best friends and a doctor, and being honest with myself (admitting anxiety and obsessive problems…blah blah blah), I found happiness.

Being happy makes it really easy to eat without feeling guilty. I still eat healthy and work out almost daily, but I am no longer obsessive, and allow myself french fries and tacos without worrying about the scale. In fact, I NEVER weight myself anymore.

My story is not so dramatic or life changing, which is why I have always debated sharing it, but I need you to understand my history before reading this next part.

Last night I came across this article. Yahoo news posted a story about a popular young blogger who is pro-anorexic and spends her time writing tips about staying skinny; how to be the skinniest out of all your co-workers and friends, measuring your thighs daily, and pointing out all the celebs who have gained weight….any amount of weight.  Her most recent and debatable post is over Kate Upton, who she finds repulsive

I found this so odd…Kate Upton is beautiful, sure she’s not super skinny, but who has the nerve to call her a “fatty” and a “piggie”?! I was intrigued…and spent the next two hours reading her blog:  “Skinny Gossip”.  I HAD to find out what this website was all about…

Well, turns out that “Skinny Girl” has decided to make some changes to her blog, due to the fury she faced after her Kate Upton post went viral. She explained that she has always felt pressure being naturally thin, that she is really upset and disgusted at our nation’s obesity epidemic, and that her blog is “intentionally outrageous” and meant to “provoke controversy”.

K. I get that. As previously stated, I, too, was affected when being called “too skinny”. I, too, take a little offense when people say things like “guys prefer curves”…a) I’ll likely never have curves, and b) I want to be considered sexy and voluptuous too!

Yet, still…something did not feel right. I continued to read her posts and forums to get a better idea of what this blog was all about. I have to say; I found it uncomfortable and very negative.

There were SO many articles about “fat” people who are called lots of cruel and hurtful names.

It’s bullying. It’s not nice. It’s hurtful. It’s a dangerous place for my 16-year old self. Thank God, this didn’t exist when I was younger. I am positive I would have spent hours studying the pages and dwelling over the fact that no matter how much I starved myself I would still never be as tall or clear-faced as these models!

The absolute worst part to me is that plus-size models/people are considered fat or ugly, and unhealthy on this blog.

Being a fitness, nutrition, health freak, and a former aerobics teacher I can tell you that we are not all made to be stick-skinny. NOTHING is wrong with being naturally thin or skinny. But, I know some plus-size women who workout like fiends, eat healthy, run marathons, and are basically kick-ass people but are NOT skinny. That’s just how God made their beautiful bodies, and that is OKAY, in fact it’s BEAUTIFUL.

Beauty looks different to everyone, thank God. There are people who find curves sexy, people who find bony sexy, and people who find anything with boobs sexy.

I, too, am concerned with the obesity epidemic. I get incensed when I see parents giving their toddler chocolate bars and cookies all day, and fail to introduce fruits and veggies. However, bullying is not the answer. Bullying is never the answer. Calling people names, posting their pics online, and announcing how much weight they’ve gained is going to cause hurt feelings, pain, and self-esteem issues.

I do not intend to call out this blogger, or for anyone to send her any hate mail. (Hopefully the harsh comments will stop with her new changes.) I just felt compelled to share my opinions on this very touchy topic. Really, I should thank her for giving me the courage to finally share my own story.

Now, a little older, more mature, wiser, I strive to be healthy, toned, positive, less-judgmental of others, and be MORE supportive, compassionate, understanding, and helpful.

Now, go for a jog, eat a healthy meal, take a look in the mirror at your body, curves, bones, bumps, scars, zits, big noses, and stretch marks and say, “Damn, I’m hot!” Then, remind yourself to be kind to others, even if they do not look like you.