Caffeine Free

I gave up coffee…. for four and a half days.

Do I get the bronze medal for that?

I have been EXTRA anxious lately…due to the upcoming nuptials. I am not nervous about getting married, or scared of anything, or really even worried that something won’t go as planned. (I have been so super organized that anything I really care about has a fail-proof plan). My body just freaks out whenever it realizes a life-changing event or a big trip is in the near future.

And, lucky for this panicked girl, both lay ahead.

Ever since I was just a wee little girl, my body decides to shut down when saaayyyy…going on a family vacation, visiting a theme park, taking a long car trip in a storm…although oddly enough, I was never nervous at the doctor until I was an adult. I used to get so sick before trips the I actually missed a school trip to a Six Flags because of a “stomach bug”.

In college, I decided to take a job at Disney World, which meant leaving home for the first time. I was REALLY excited about this move, and had been planning it since I was 14. About a month before I moved I was so ill that I lost 15 pounds (I’m already pretty tiny, and I was looking scarily thin), and ended up getting a colonoscopy and and endoscopic done to see what was making me so sick.

When I woke up from the surgery, the doctor said little more than “stress”.

Relief and frustration consumed me. Whew! I’m not dying! and Ugh. This sucks. That’s when the reality of my anxiety problem started to sink in.

Now, I am aware enough to know that I will be sick before a big life event. Doesn’t keep it from happening, but it does help me not panic as much when it’s happening. I am at least able to remind myself that I’m not terribly ill…just a little nuts.

About a week ago, I was starting to feel it. Tacos were becoming less appetizing, and sleep was interrupted by weird dreams of me ballroom dancing…both signs of an upcoming panic attack.

I decided to take precautionary measures and quit drinking coffee. It’s really the only thing I KNOW causes more anxiety, and I could maybe possibly live without. I told Fiance in an effort to get some emotional support. (And some sympathy for those moment of caffeine withdrawal rage…)

Over the next few days, I was super headachy, and uber-tired so I started to vent to more people…Zoey, and a couple people at work. Those couple people at work were so shocked by my decision to quit caffeine cold turkey that they told EVERYONE, even my boss.

I didn’t really care that everyone knew, until I decided that giving up coffee was a terrible decision, and that I needed to run to Starbucks immediatily and order a double espresso.

The second I got the coffee gleam in my eye, or started drooling while looking out the VERY LARGE window that faces Starbucks, someone would jerk me out of my daydreams and remind me that I am not allowed to have coffee.

I really appreciated their efforts to keep me sane.

Which is why I drank it secretly (shamefully) before work this morning, hidden from anyone who knew I was trying to kick the habit.

When I was almost finished, I began to feel guilty (also really happy and relieved, but still… guilty), and sent this text to Fiance.

Fail.

Even thought I felt better for about ten minutes, I felt crappy the rest of the day for caving so soon. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. No promises.

Cheers!

Tears of Joy

Have you ever been so happy you could cry? Or, maybe you actually do cry. I know I have. I mean I cry pretty easily anyways, but I can very clearly remember some special moments that pure joy brought me to tears.

The first time Fiance took me to  New York was our one year anniversary, and I thought I was flying to Ohio to visit Fiance at school. It wasn’t until I was screaming at the poor lady working behind Continental’s desk that they must have screwed up my flight, that Fiance called to let me know that I indeed was flying to NYC. Surprise.

The surprise didn’t end there. Our second night in NY, he took me to see Wicked, 8th row dead center, seats. I had never seen a broadway show, and I had been obsessed with Wicked from the moment it opened on Broadway. I was in disbelief through the entire show. When the curtain came down for intermission, tears were just streaming down my face. Fiance looked surprised and asked what was wrong… “I am just SO happy.” It felt like a dream.

Aww young Hilarie and Fiance

While teaching elementary school in Tennesse, I was also coaching dance, and middle school drama. I put every single bit of me into these 3 jobs. I was working often over 70 hours a week, Monday through Sunday, through literally blood, sweat, and tears. (Luckily, I was not alone in this. My friend Marsha was working with me side by side through the whole year.) We were eating, breathing, and sleeping school, but mostly drama. The drama club was our baby and we were determined to rock everyone’s socks off.

By the time the end of the year rolled around, my 1st graders had taken their state standardized test and blown it out of the water, the dance recital was the best one yet, and all that was left was our first full-on broadway-esque performance of Seussical. The night Seussical opened was insane. Fiance was scarily ill (out of nowhere!), my family had flown in to see what I’d been spending ALL my time working on,  hundreds of people were filing into the auditorium, and our precious middle schoolers were nervously applying their stage makeup backstage..

The curtains opened. The students sang, danced, and acted unbelievably well! The curtain fell, the crowd roared with applause, and before I knew it, I was on stage holding a microphone attempting to thank everyone for coming and supporting our students. Before I knew it, tears were streaming, and a sweet student stole the microphone to thank US for our hard work and dedication. That was one of the happiest and proudest moments of my life. I cried tears of joy the rest of the night.

Several of my friends have gotten married…I cried at every wedding. Now, lots of those friends have children.. more tears of joy. It just warms my heart to see my friends start their beautiful families!

Being a very anxious person, can cause “tears of joy” to be very tricky. Sometimes this happiness quickly morphs into fear, and often guilt. Let me explain…

The day after we returned from Albania (about a year ago) I woke up about before 6am (yay for jet lag) and found myself sneaking out to my parents back porch in Texas to watch the sunrise. I sat in a large rocking chair contemplating all the amazing things that had occurred over the last few days.

-Fiance and I were so thrilled to be done with our year in Albania. Even though we had lots of fantastic and unforgettable memories traveling through Europe and making new friends. 

Some of my favorite friends in Albania

-We had just completed a three week journey through Scandinavia with some of our favorite people.

Exploring Norway

-Within hours of flying back to the states we were at our most favorite place – Disney World.

-Fiance proposed!

-And, in a blink of an eye we are on a  flight to Texas to share the great news with my family.

Everything was so surreal. I felt the warm summer breeze on the back porch and thought, “Damn, I’m lucky.” My eyes started to well up with tears. I was just so happy, and could not believe how everything in life was unfolding. But, then it hit me.

The panic monster. “Im too happy. I shouldn’t be so lucky. There are so many less fortunate people in the world, what have I done to deserve this happiness? Surely, something terrible is lurking just around the corner.” All I could think about was impending doom…and my tears of joy soon changed to tears of panic.

I had a very similar experience today. Fiance and I have been working our little tails off on several special DIY projects for the wedding. Fiance mentioned that he felt like he “is working in a sweat shop” this weekend, but I think that has more to do with the fact that the AC was off and it’s been 85 degrees outside. I was laughing at all his jokes, as we sat sprawled out on the floor trying to convince one another to cook something. It got quiet for a few minutes, and I looked at Fiance, who was writing a very nice letter to someone he cares about, and I became overwhelmed with joy.

I get to marry this wonderful, smart, caring, and hilarious man in just 12 days. Damn, I’m lucky.

Daydreams of our dance party/reception began to fill my thoughts, when out of the blue, Mr. Panic sneaks up on me. The same terrible thoughts consumed me. I don’t deserve to be this happy. I don’t deserve him. Surely, something horrible is going to happen before the wedding. No one is this lucky or this happy.

I tried to hide what I was feeling, but Fiance sensed something was wrong, as usual, and I broke. I’ll spare you all the rest of the conversation. But, it ended with a decision to take a break, go to the park, get some fresh air, and enjoy the summer-like weather.

Now, after all of this. I do feel much better. We came home and finished our projects while watching Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Thankfully, I have  fiancé who knows exactly what to do in my times of need. He reminds me that it is okay to be happy, I should feel happy, deserve to be happy, and it in no way means something terrible is forthcoming.

That’s something I’ll have to talk to a psychologist about, next year, once that insurance kicks in! I should probably start making a list: Hilarie’s List of How She’s Crazy.

I guess I’m feeling pretty damn lucky again. I may even feel some joyful tears coming on…

Geez, I am going to be such a ball of mush at this wedding! Have your hankees ready!

Happy Memorial Day…We can all be happy to have our freedom!

Cheers!

Zoom!

Since becoming engaged I have set many goals to accomplish before the wedding: grow hair out 25 inches, cure my acne once and for all, workout everyday, and eat only organic vegetables and fruits, you know just a few reasonable and realistic goals for a modern-day bride.

Growing my hair out at all turned out to be impossible thanks to the scissor happy Italian who chopped 4 inches off when I asked for a trim. My face is destined to look like a 16 year old’s for all eternity. I do walk to work daily… that counts as daily exercise for some people. And, if getting french fries and fruit sorbet delivered counts as a healthy organic diet, then I’m 2 for 4.

Basically, I just wanted to be incredibly vain and self-centered and look like one hot bride on my wedding day. So, to make up for some failed attempts, I have been booking numerous Groupon appointments to really freshen up before the big day. I have recently scheduled appointments for lasik hair removal, a facial, mani/pedi, airbrush tan, hair highlights, and teeth whitening.

Now, before you start hating on me for wasting money on these selfish expenditures, please know that I am already aware of this. I know these things are shallow, vain, and that there are more important things to spend my money on. I know I shouldn’t care so much what I look like. Really, I KNOW I am not making the wisest choices.

But, for once in my life, I am okay with making some bad decisions.

I am okay with being vain and selfish right now.  I have never before had lasic hair removal, a facial, airbrush tan, or teeth whitening. I figure getting married is a good reason to splurge a little, feel good, and look a little extra glamorous. I plan on having children (soon-ish), so now is the time for me to be a little irresponsible and egotistical. PLUS, I’m using Groupon, so every appointment is like 500% off anyways. 

Today was my Zoom teeth whitening appointment. After I bought the Groupon, Zoey was nice enough to inform me that she just read several horror stories about people who got their teeth whitened through salons who use Groupon, and had horrible experiences. I tried to make myself feel better by explaining that  I was getting my teeth whitened through an actual dentist, not a just  random salon.

I originally made my appointment for the Friday before the wedding, and when I booked, the receptionist informed me that I should brush my teeth with Sensodyne 3 times a day starting immediately, to prepare my teeth for the  procedure. She actually said that each time I brush I should let the Sensodyne sit on my teeth for a minute before brushing. I responded, with a “oh of course, no problem!”.

I did  go out and buy Sensodyne, but seriously 3 times a day? letting it sit for a whole minute? that was never going to happen.

Two days ago, I received a call from the dentist explaining that their dental hygienist would be out the Friday before my wedding, and they need to move my appointment up to this coming Friday. Fine with me… It didn’t hit me until I was on my way to the dentist today that I hardly got anytime to “prepare” my teeth for the procedure. I wanted to ask the receptionist when I arrived if this was okay, but I was afraid she’d ask if I’d been following her instructions carefully, and I wouldn’t be able to lie to her. Im a terrible liar.

(I must mention here, that I had not had any coffee. I didn’t make any this morning on account of running late, and I decided not to run to the Starbucks across the street from work. I have been TRYING to cut back on Starbucks spending, I was already feeling super anxious about the dentist appointment, and I was actually feeling pretty good. “Look at me! I don’t have an addiction. I can function perfectly without caffeine!”)

By the time I arrived to the dentist’s office, I had the WORST caffeine withdrawal headache ever.  All I could think about was coffee, and my plan to immediately stop by Starbucks after my appointment. I already had it google mapped on my phone. After waiting for an hour, they finally took me into a little dentist room to prep me.

They stuck a large contraption in my mouth to pull my lips up, inches away from my teeth and gums, and then stuffed all the empty space with enough gauze and cotton to make a leg cast. They then coated my gums in some sort of white goo and blow dried it so it was nice and hard. It created a barrier from my teeth. They gave me a mirror so I could look, and I almost fell out of my chair. It was like looking at my skull…eww

Finally, they started the whitening process. They coated my teeth with some sort of clear-ish liquid,  told me not to move my mouth or lips at all, and stuck a very bright light into the contraption that held my mouth open. They also placed some enormous bright orange glasses on my face. The kind that look like I might decide to weld something. This procedure is done in three to four 15 minute increments under the light. So with all the prep, and the actual whitening, I was looking at laying in this chair for at least an hour and a half.

The hygienist told some corny jokes, and said things like, “Oh I guess this is just a one-sided conversation now huh?” as I nodded as to laugh with her. They had a large TV mounted to the wall, but it was impossible to see over the enormous machine attached to my face, and it was on an only-NY-news-station. At one point, the “funny” lady came in to ask if I’d prefer to have the TV or the radio on, I tried to gesture to her that I’d like the channel changed, but the second I lifted my hand to the TV, she said “Okay great! TV it is!” and turned around and walked out the door.

I decided to close my eyes and try to sleep. I wouldn’t have to hear the terrible terrible news, and maybe my headache would go away. About eight minutes after I closed my eyes, they shot wide open because of a painfully sharp sensation in one of my bottom teeth. The nurse lady warned me this may happen. Something about the pores opening in your teeth, sensitive nerves, strong chemicals… I don’t know, but it hurt like hell!

When the first fifteen minutes was up, she came back into the room to check on my me, and I pointed to my tooth and gave her wide crazy eyes that said “pain!”. She just looked at me with sad eyes, and said “Oh is it hurting? That happens. I’ll put some [insert fancy medicine name here] on it to help. If it’s just too much for you we can stop early, but it won’t be that much whiter. Maybe you can tough it out a little longer ?” Her voice was borderline sympathetic, borderline mocking.

Of course I nodded that I could tough it out. I’m not a teeth whitening weenie! Plus, the medicine she put out my teeth really did help. It was still really uncomfortable (imagine biting down on popsicles for about an hour), but I could bear it. I just kept telling myself that it would end soon, and I’d be done FOREVER.

During the last two minutes of the last 15 minute session, the lady came in to prep me for what happens after the procedure. After!?!? You mean I don’t just go home with a bright white smile and live happily ever after???

She said that since my teeth were sensitive during the procedure, that they would be sensitive and sore for then next few days. Also, I cannot have any colored foods for the next 48 hours, or “foods that would stain a white tee-shirt”. I was thinking that this sounded difficult, but before I could finish my thoughts she started listing what I cannot have…”red wine, berries, ketchup, salsa, coffee…”

COFFEE!!!!!

The large lip stretching contraption was still in my mouth, but my attempt to scream “WHAT?!?!” as my eyes bulged out, made her stop reading.

“Oh, you are one of those, huh? Well, if you MUST have coffee, you can get iced coffee and drink it through a straw, but limit it to one a day.”

I was out of the office twenty minutes later, in line at Starbucks four minutes after that, and sipping a refreshing iced latte 3 minutes later. My teeth felt much better, but the caffeine headache had not subsided.

Now, 7 hours later, I am in sooooo much pain! My teeth are KILLING ME! I WANT TO RIP EVERY SINGLE TOOTH OUT! I  have taken so much Advil, but nothing seems to help. I don’t know if this happens to everyone, but for me, this is SOOOOO NOT WORTH HAVING A WHITER SMILE. So not worth it.

I guess the silver lining is, my teeth are definitely whiter and brighter. Two more days on a colorless diet, and an entire bottle of Advil, and hopefully I’ll be back to normal!

*Now, on a completely different note, we saw MIB 3 tonight, and it was great! Just as good as the first two!*

Cheers!

I’m open to being open

Since I am unfortunately no longer on anti-anxiety meds I have been using various other resources and ideas to keep from having panic attacks. I get my ideas from a wide variety of sources; the Internet, Barnes and Noble, Oprah, other blogs, magazines, yoga, and friends’ advice.

Several techniques seem to help, but one in particular has shown dramatic improvement in my stress levels. And, since I promised to share some methods that have helped me, here’s my number one…

This blog. Or more accurately…being open and honest with all of you.

It’s so simple, since I’ve dropped my cloak of shame, threw out the guilt, and started publicly writing about my “excited outbursts”, my panic attacks have been dwindled down to practically nothing. Who knew it was so easy! Not me, I was afraid this would cause more fear and panic.

I was so scared for most of my life to admit to anyone that I had a problem. I felt like I was losing my mind and I was terrified people would judge me. I didn’t want to be thought of as crazy or unstable, or for people to think less of me.

I think I come off as a pretty stable, happy person. I’m pretty sure responsible, hardworking, and creative are common words people would use to describe me, and I didn’t want that to change.

So I wrote my first two blog posts months before I posted them. I read them almost daily. I made fiance read them to assure me I didn’t come off as crazy or whiney.

When I finally got the courage to press “publish”, I just looked at fiancé and asked “did I just make a huge mistake?”. Do I really want this public??? I hadn’t even shared this with some of my closest friends… What the hell did I just do?!

The responses I soon received proved that I had not made a mistake. Several people messaged me, called me, or commented with nothing but encouraging and supportive words. I was shocked by the positive messages I received. Such. Kind. Words.

I cannot describe to you the relief I felt. Not only have I become honest with myself, but with everyone, and no one seems to think less of me! And if they do, they’ve kept it to themselves. Even if someone judges me now, I don’t care. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and I feel like a new, healthier, happier, honest person.

But, more than be accepted by my peers, I’ve connected with several others who have the same problems, and can relate and understand what a panic attack feels like, the shame that follows, and the strength needed to carry on. I’ve met people through their own “anxiety” blogs, and through others who read my blog and shared their own stories of high anxiety. I even discovered that a co-worker of mine suffers with frequent panic attacks! All of these people have been inspiring, and have encourage me to continue doing what I’m doing.

All this time I assumed people would think of my anxiety attacks as a weakness, a drama queen trait, or just whining. Now I have a whole community (or maybe a neighborhood) of awesome strong people who assure me I am none of these things.

In the future I hope to meet and get to know more of you who live a life effected by “excited outbursts”. Maybe we can all get together one day, share anti-anxiety meds, and go sky diving, or just walk past a hospital in my case.

I hope this inspires others to be open with their own trials or tribulations. It’s been absolute therapy for me.

Thank you all!

Cheers!

Lefty or a Righty?

I have been working on my wedding vows the passed couple of nights because we decided a long time ago we wanted to write our vows. Writing your own vows just sounds so romantic, special, and personal. We want our vows to be unique to us, and memorable to our guests. I assumed that being in love and having tons of adventures over the last 7 years would give me plenty of material for just a couple minutes of vows.

Wrong.

I am very tempted to combine the vows of Monica and Chandler, and Cory and Topanga, and call it a night.

Somehow, in the middle of all my writing and googling “how to write your own unique sweet funny wedding vows”, I accidently got distracted and ended up taking a “What side of the brain do you use?” quiz.

I can never remember which side does what, but the quiz says I use 60% of my right brain, and 40% of my left brain. From, what I skimmed through, I think that means I like to make lists and be organized, but I tend to get side-tracked very easily and make a mess.Oh yeah…wasn’t I supposed to be writing my vows? (as I dust triscuit crumbs off my shirt)

All of this left brain/right brain talk made me remember an activity a super awesome college professor made our class do in our Master’s program. I’ll skip the activity and get to the conclusion:

-We all have a certain a work personality, and we have to learn to work with people who have a different work personality. (This was a lesson on how to be a principal for people who work and think nothing like you.)

What I loved about this lesson is that every personality was symbolized by a piece of candy! Just describe the candy and you basically get the personality.

Starburst: organized, individually wrapped, bright, independent, orderly, logical, tart, flavorful, variety, list-maker

M&M: cute, colorful, cooperative, friendly, social, dependable, messy, sensitive, laid back, popular, hard on the outside, soft on the inside

Hershey Bar: genuine, conforming, practical, plain, precise, efficient, analytical, dependable, organized, by the book

Snickers: sweet and salty, disorderly, imaginative, energetic, outside the box, on the go, independent, gets the job done, busy

You get it.

I am mostly a Snickers, with a little bit of Starburst. I loved this lesson because at the time, I was working with a Hershey Bar, and my professor taught us how best to work with each type of candy. It was like a light went off and I completely understood why my boss and I butted heads so often. All she wanted was for everything to be a nice clean symmetrical box, and all I wanted was to rip that box apart and throw some paint on it. Neither of us were wrong, just wired differently.

What was important was that we had the same goals in mind, just different routes to get there.

It may often seem that I am HotMess, flitting from one task to the next, energetic to anxiety attack in 2.8 seconds…but I always get the job done in the end. What looks disorderly and irresponsible to some, is my way of organizing my many task. I’ve always got a list. (Actually, I often have 8 lists because I keep misplacing them, and have to write more a new scrap of paper.) I may not follow the list in an orderly fashion, but it all gets checked off. And, I guarantee it is completed with 110% effort like you’ve never seen before…with a little bit of glitter and a lot of pizazz. That’s how us Snickers roll.

Now, I realize I speak freely of my bad habits on this blog, but that’s because I like being open about my flaws, and hopefully these flaws make someone else feel better about their own faults and bad habits.

BUT, I am far from being irresponsible.

Now, that I have completely gone off the vow writing path, I should probably attempt to find my way back. I guess I need to make a list, lose it, go for a walk, brainstorm, make another list, do some research, look at pictures of us, think about our special memories, like that time we kicked butt in a couple’s contest in the Domincan Republic, should have bought that video, oh and the monkey, I need to find that picture, such a great trip, can’t wait to go to costa rica in month…. damn it! What was I supposed to be doing again?

Cheers!

Not a Panic Attack

Looking back over my last several posts, it seems I’ve neglected a huge part of my life. My daily struggle with anxiety has been mostly ignored. Sure, I joke about freaking out over wedding programs or being a HotMess, but I could, or perhaps should, delve a little deeper. In fact, I could be a lot more truthful about dealing with my anxiety issues lately.

Truth #1: I have not been taking medication for two months.

Why?: I do not have health insurance, and will not have health insurance until this Fall.  I probably accidently failed to mention this because it’s embarrassing. I am a highly educated professional who has had a Master’s for 3 years, taught for 5, and have been mostly successful in life, and now I’m living like an 18 year old drop out trying to break into show business. Not having health insurance is scary and humiliating!  I had strep throat not once, but twice this year, and the first time was so expensive that I just sucked it up the second time and went to work sick for 3 weeks.

(Working full time with no benefits can give a person a whole new perspective on healthcare. But that’s another blog altogether. Seriously, a completely different blog. I am to anxious to hold that kind of debate.)

Truth #2: I have been handling my anxiety the best ways I know how, without drugs that is.

I have been doing lots of yoga, exercising regularly, eating healthy, thinking positively, and all the little tricks psychologist and Oprah teach you to do when you suffer from panic attacks. None of these work as well as meds, but it helps, and it’s all I got going right now.

The other night I lay in bed, eyes wide open, staring at the TV, repeating the line “I am healthy and happy” in my head over and over. At 2 am, Fiance turned to me, and said “You are going to be really grumpy at work tomorrow.” Without blinking, or turning to face him, I just said, “I’m trying very hard to not have a panic attack.”

Because he loves me and knows me so perfectly, he just put his arm around me and reiterated that I am “healthy”.

(I see a future blog post full of my ideas, tips, and tricks to ward off a very unwanted panic attack.)

Truth#3: Trying my best doesn’t always work, but it sometimes it does!

Today was an ultimate test of my new found strength, and how far I’ve come over the last couple years.

I received a VERY scary text message this morning from a friend. This friend described a personal health situation to me that threw me into a nauseous frenzy. Besides being totally self-centered, and worried for my own health, I was very concerned for this friend. In fact, I was WAY more concerenced than they were.

When this kind of anxiety hits me, it hits hard. My whole day becomes a blur. It’s as if I am floating above myself, hearing myself give instructions to students, but unable to notice if they are even participating. Focus is completely gone, and irrational fear has moved in. Every break I get I call or text the two people I know can give me an update on this friend’s health concern, and after exactly 30 seconds of no one responding to me I am almost in tears and unable to breathe. Forty seconds later, the phone rings and I can’t answer fast enough.

Everything is okay. I can breathe again, but it’s hard to convince myself that tragedy isn’t around the corner. I have already worked up too many terrifying imaginary scenarios in my head. To survive the day without having a panic attack at work, I do what I always do, stay busy! I went out for lunch with two friends, ate at the park, forced a co-worker to workout with me during our entire break, and ran to Starbucks for a pick-me-up half price frappacino. I did all these things hoping to keep the negative thoughts as far from my mind as possible.

While eating lunch, a friend confided in me that her mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is about to start treatment.

In the middle of our break time workout, 4 EMT’s ran in with bags of medical equipment looking for someone who called about an emergency. I almost raised my hand… (Turns out the call was for an apartment above our building.)

While running across the street for coffee, I ran straight into an ambulance pulling out a stretcher.

At this point, I was starting to look to the heavens, wanting to shout “SERIOUSLY?!”

Buying coffee immediately after this was probably not the wisest choice, but half-price frappacino’s always seem to make everything better.

You always know just what I need.

After this, after ALL this, I am now so happy to say that for the most part everyone is fine, the health scare is not such a scare anymore, and I have now officially made it to 10pm without having a panic attack. Lots of anxiety, and an evening spent shopping at Sephora, taking Belle to PetCo, making homemade Guacomle, and basically doing anything but thinking, but NO panic attack!

Yay me!

So, maybe all of my extra yoga and brain exercises are working a bit. BUT, when September comes you better believe I will be putting that health insurance to use and getting a new prescription STAT. Feeling trapped under this veil of anxiety all day is not my preferred way of living.

Now you know a little more about my life with panic. As positive as I try to make these outbursts, they are no bueno, and I hope one day I completely rid of them.

That would be a nice blog.

Cheers

One Hot Mess

You know the moment when your realize your bills are overdue, dinner is burning, the roots in your hair are 3 inches long, the laundry is starting to grow something, the dog is barking, the phone is ringing, you are pulling a double shift at work, you lost your phone, broke your camera, only put mascara on one eye, and just when you think life can’t get any more out of control you spill your hot-not-one-sip-taken cup of coffee down your new white shirt?

If your answer is yes, then you my friend, may proudly call yourself a hot mess.

I’m so crazed lately that I’m debating changing my last name to HotMess. Hilarie HotMess, that has a nice ring to it. Maybe fiancé will change his last name to HotMess after we are married. Then we will have little HotMess babies, And be one big HotMess family. Our family portraits will include unwashed hair and ketchup stained tees.

I’m such a mess I can’t even find the shirt Zoey bought for me that labels me a “HotMess”. I figure if I wear it this week I won’t have to explain running late or forgetting to brush my teeth.

(I actually wrote half of this blog this morning, and later accidently deleted the damn thing and am now re-writing it….how appropriate.) eh

It’s my own fault that I get into these hot messes often. I like being busy because it keeps my mind from wondering into scary places (this is also a reason why I usually skip the meditation/relaxation portion at the end of yoga). I also feel incredibly guilty when I’m not being productive…not sure when this habit started. Plus, I’m a people pleaser, so it’s difficult for me to tell anyone “no”. Let’s not forgot I’m also a very messy person in general.

These must be the prerequisites of a HotMess. I haven’t done any in-depth research, but I’m pretty positive about this.

I probably shouldn’t complain though because most of this craziness relates to positive things happening in my life.

-we have had visitors with us for about two weeks.
-I’ve been working lots of overtime; which equals a bigger paycheck.
-the wedding is only 5 weeks away!!!
-I’ve actually been sticking to my to-do lists and working out and cleaning every single day! Yay me!

However; there have also been some unpleasantries this week:

-I caught a stomach bug on tuesday
– my identity was stolen on Wednesday What does this even mean???
-ran out of coffee in Thursday
-woke up an hour late Friday
-and woke up with a cold today… Boo me!

At 1am one night this week I was laying in bed, writing a blog, saying how busy I was, but that I haven’t felt stressed at all! I was super proud of myself for getting everything done, staying organized, and not letting little things like credit card fraud get me down.

At 2am a couple nights later I mentioned how Ive been feeling sick. My acid reflux was really acting up, my mouth had 3 ulcers, and my head was pounding…. These things were starting to interfere with my never-slow-down attitude.

Fiancé pointed out that I sounded stressed, and maybe I should put the laptop down, and get some sleep. Stupid body trying to send me all these subtle hints to take a break. Stop slowing me down! I was so relieved to hear this! I guess I have been a little too busy, and going bed sounded so good I could have cried.

He also suggested to stop drinking caffeine after 10pm, but I chose not to hear that.

It wasn’t until Fiancé said this, that I even considered NOT writing my blog. Writing daily posts has become such a regular part of my day, plus I get real enjoyment from checking it off my to do list. I feel so accomplished whenever I actually complete my to-do’s.

Anyways, all I’m really trying to say here is that if you’ve been sad and lonely without my daily blogging than you’ll have to take it up with Fiancé. HE said it was okay.

My two days off were much needed, but I’ve missed you all and it’s time to get back to blogging business!

Now if any of you have tips on where to order wedding programs, how to get my identity back, or how to make my own iced latte that would be super!

Cheers!