I gave up coffee…. for four and a half days.
Do I get the bronze medal for that?
I have been EXTRA anxious lately…due to the upcoming nuptials. I am not nervous about getting married, or scared of anything, or really even worried that something won’t go as planned. (I have been so super organized that anything I really care about has a fail-proof plan). My body just freaks out whenever it realizes a life-changing event or a big trip is in the near future.
And, lucky for this panicked girl, both lay ahead.
Ever since I was just a wee little girl, my body decides to shut down when saaayyyy…going on a family vacation, visiting a theme park, taking a long car trip in a storm…although oddly enough, I was never nervous at the doctor until I was an adult. I used to get so sick before trips the I actually missed a school trip to a Six Flags because of a “stomach bug”.
In college, I decided to take a job at Disney World, which meant leaving home for the first time. I was REALLY excited about this move, and had been planning it since I was 14. About a month before I moved I was so ill that I lost 15 pounds (I’m already pretty tiny, and I was looking scarily thin), and ended up getting a colonoscopy and and endoscopic done to see what was making me so sick.
When I woke up from the surgery, the doctor said little more than “stress”.
Relief and frustration consumed me. Whew! I’m not dying! and Ugh. This sucks. That’s when the reality of my anxiety problem started to sink in.
Now, I am aware enough to know that I will be sick before a big life event. Doesn’t keep it from happening, but it does help me not panic as much when it’s happening. I am at least able to remind myself that I’m not terribly ill…just a little nuts.
About a week ago, I was starting to feel it. Tacos were becoming less appetizing, and sleep was interrupted by weird dreams of me ballroom dancing…both signs of an upcoming panic attack.
I decided to take precautionary measures and quit drinking coffee. It’s really the only thing I KNOW causes more anxiety, and I could maybe possibly live without. I told Fiance in an effort to get some emotional support. (And some sympathy for those moment of caffeine withdrawal rage…)
Over the next few days, I was super headachy, and uber-tired so I started to vent to more people…Zoey, and a couple people at work. Those couple people at work were so shocked by my decision to quit caffeine cold turkey that they told EVERYONE, even my boss.
I didn’t really care that everyone knew, until I decided that giving up coffee was a terrible decision, and that I needed to run to Starbucks immediatily and order a double espresso.
The second I got the coffee gleam in my eye, or started drooling while looking out the VERY LARGE window that faces Starbucks, someone would jerk me out of my daydreams and remind me that I am not allowed to have coffee.
I really appreciated their efforts to keep me sane.
Which is why I drank it secretly (shamefully) before work this morning, hidden from anyone who knew I was trying to kick the habit.
When I was almost finished, I began to feel guilty (also really happy and relieved, but still… guilty), and sent this text to Fiance.
Even thought I felt better for about ten minutes, I felt crappy the rest of the day for caving so soon. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. No promises.